Photo Credit : Nathan Dumlao
Can a Christian marry a non-Christian or an unbeliever?
“Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.” It may
be very relevant in the case of a romantic relationship between a Christian believer
and an unbeliever. In my pastoral ministry, I had come across several situations
where a believer wants to marry an unbeliever. In such a case, believers used
to say that “s/he is good”; “I will lead him/her to Christ”; “others are doing
it”; “give him or her a chance”; “I already said “Yes.”” I observed that believers
who are involved romantically with unbelievers feel it right first, and then they
try to bring Bible verses or logic to prove that it’s right. Many young adults
are confused about this area. This article will try to answer this question from a
biblical perspective.
Marriage is Oneness
Marriage is not an ordinary
relationship. Genesis 2:24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave
unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (KJV). Marriage is a lifelong
covenantal relationship in which a man and a woman are joined together to
become one with increasing intimacy and interdependency. God established the
marriage and God is the witness for this covenantal relationship (Mal. 2:14-15). The oneness of two is a non-negotiable
factor of a successful marriage. Whatever you have in common with your spouse
adds value to your oneness and compatibility. A shared faith in Jesus is
crucial to have this oneness. Faith has a tremendous influence on one’s
worldview, value system, conviction, lifestyle, priorities, decisions, choices, and culture. Common faith in Jesus brings such a great amount of compatibility
and oneness to marriage life. A Christ-centered marriage will be a strong
marriage.
Unequally
Yoked: Spiritual Incompatibilities
Paul in his discussion on the doctrine of separation of believers from
unbelievers, he instructed Corinthians “Do not be unequally yoked with
unbelievers” (ESV, 2 Cor. 6:14). The Greek word heterozygountes is used for “unequally yoked together.” This word
literally means “pull the yoke in a different direction than one’s fellow,” and
figuratively, “make a mismatched covenant,” “mismate.” Old Testament prohibits cross-breeding; it
also does not allow mixing two seeds or using different kinds of animals for
ploughing. In alluding to Lev. 19:19 and Deut. 22:10 by the use of the verb heterozygountes, Paul says that “just as
the yoking together of animals of two disparate species to form a team will
result in an incongruous mismatch, so close attachments and intimate
association between believers and unbelievers will produce an ill-matched union
and total dissonance.”[i] In his five antithetical questions in
vv.14-16, Paul resonates the fundamental incompatibilities between Christians
and unbelievers in partnership, fellowship/communion, harmony, commonality and
agreement. Because of these incompatibilities, believers should separate themselves
from unbelievers (v.17) and not be yoked with them (v.14). Then God will be our
Father and we will be His sons and daughters (v.18). Even though, 2Cor. 6:14-18
does not say directly to not marry an unbeliever, it gives a clear indication
that a believer should not associate with an unbeliever in a relationship such as
marriage because of fundamental spiritual incompatibilities between the unbeliever
and the believer. We should not make any other covenantal relationship that can affect negatively our holiness and covenantal relationship with God.
An unbeliever is spiritually dead in transgression and sins (Eph. 2:1)
who is influenced by the Kingdom of darkness (Eph. 2:2). Because of this, an
unbeliever always wants to gratify his/her sinful desires and character (Eph. 2:3).
However, a born-again believer is a new creation in Christ. S/he has a new
nature or nature of the Spirit (Rom. 8:1-16; Gal. 5:16-26) which is basically
in contrast or conflict with the sinful nature. Thus, there is a fundamental
spiritual incompatibility between a believer and unbeliever in the area of
spiritual position, nature, destiny and spiritual power working in them.
Practically, as a Pastor, I witnessed in many cases how difficult it is for a
believer to live with an unbeliever in a marital relationship. The godly wisdom
is that do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers in marriage.
A Cause
for Backsliding
The heart of God is that we should glorify God
in every relationship. God clearly instructed Israelites that they should not
marry an unbeliever from Gentiles because those unbelieving spouses can turn
away Israelites from faith (Dt.7:1-7). The same thing you will see in Exodus 34:15-16: “lest you make a covenant with
the inhabitants of the land, and when they whore after their gods and sacrifice
to their gods and you are invited, you eat of his sacrifice, and you take of
their daughters for your sons, and their daughters whore after their gods and
make your sons whore after their gods” (ESV).
Our spiritual immunity can be lost when we live
with an unbelieving spouse. It happened to Solomon. God appeared to him, used
him to construct the temple of God and blessed him with wisdom. Such a godly
person Solomon went away from God because of his wives who were worshippers of
idols and other gods. Love sometimes can really blind us. Solomon loved
non-believing women and married them (1Kg. 11:1-2). He broke the commandment of
God when he married women from other nations who were not followers of the real
God (1Kg. 11:2,10). His unbelieving wives from other faiths turned Solomon’s
heart to other gods and consequently his heart was not fully devoted to the living
God (1Kg. 11:4). His wives who were worshipping other gods led him
astray (1Kg. 11:3). Because he turned away from the living God through his
unbelieving partner, God punished his generations by dividing his Kingdom (1Kg.
11:11). It happened exactly to Solomon’s generation which is described in 1King
12.
Solomon sinned against God by marrying
unbelievers (Neh. 13:26). His sinful act of marrying unbelievers and going
astray from God is called as “terrible wickedness” and “being unfaithful to
God” in Neh. 13:27. If we marry an unbeliever, it is unfaithful to God. Ezra
also says that anyone who marries an unbeliever is unfaithful to God (Ez. 9:2).
He says that if anyone who marries an unbeliever tramples down the word of God
and it is an act of faithlessness (Ez. 9:4).
Lifetime defeat
Marrying a nonbeliever may lead you to lifetime defeat in your spiritual as well as other areas. This is very clear in
Joshua 23:7-13. If Israelites, the chosen people of God, marry a
nonbeliever from their surrounding nation, then God will not fight anymore for
Israelites against their enemies (v.13). Further, if they intermarry, their
enemies or their life partners from other nations who are worshipping idols can
be a snare, trap, whips and thorns to their life (v.13) which will lead them to
ultimate destruction (v.13). The same way, if a born again believer marries a
nonbeliever; such marriage can lead a believer into lifetime defeat in
spiritual life and even other areas of life.
Children may go away from God
One of the purposes of marriage according to God’s
heart is to bring godly offspring (Mal 2:14-15). However, marrying an
unbeliever may cause children to go away from God (Dt. 7:3-4).
In
conclusion, the Bible clearly teaches that a believer should not marry an
unbeliever because
·
It can be a
hindrance to compatibility and oneness between partners; ultimately for the
success of marriage.
·
Believers are not
allowed to be yoked with unbelievers in relationships like marriage.
·
It can be a
reason for backsliding, therefore, God prohibits it.
·
It can lead a believer
into lifetime defeat in spiritual life as well as in other areas.
·
It can be a reason
for children to go astray.
Note: I wrote this article for The Aurora magazine which is published by NLF, Kochi. It was published in The Aurora, in April 2019.
Further readings in this blog:
Other resources: